i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
