Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
