went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
