I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
