Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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