You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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