I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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