apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
