As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
