I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
