please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
