I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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