this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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