census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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