i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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