i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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