Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
