she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
