i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
