my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
