i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
