Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
