I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
