I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
