well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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