I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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