Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
