Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
