So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
