I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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