Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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