Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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