my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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