see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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