Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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