mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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