Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
