Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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