I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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