I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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