Don't you send me to vm
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
