I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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