I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
