I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
