I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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