guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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