once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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