just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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