I just saw a hot homeless man
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
