I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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