I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
