There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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