his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just pee around me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
