There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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