well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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