You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
