Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Mom said you looked used
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
