I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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