Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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