Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
